I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
