just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
