Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
