Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
