He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he puts the penis in happiness.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
