We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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