My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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