YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
