So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
