Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
