when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
