I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
