My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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