I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
