Where is the hickey?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
