I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
