I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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