I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
