did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
