i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
