its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My vagina just clenched in fear
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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