Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
