She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
