She told me I should be a condom model.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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