I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
