He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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