Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
