if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
