im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Two words: nipple clamps
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