No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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