I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I could fuck to npr.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
