Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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