don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Come on in and take your pants off
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