god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
