a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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