btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
