my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
