ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
