It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She told me I should be a condom model.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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