she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
