am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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