Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
