Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
