Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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