i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
