Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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