On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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