can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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