You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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