I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
