I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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