all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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