billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
